Retreating Monsoon

“Everything is good in the end, if it is not good then it is not the end.”

Everything has a lifetime, irrespective of living or non-living things. It was monsoon of life. You came, monsoon came. I loved wetting in the rain. Thus I was in heaven.

Season has to change, it is changing. You are leaving…with you monsoon is also leaving. You were like a season, ever changing. “Masusam ki tarha tum bhi badal gaye” kind of. That was the only fear and it came like a nightmare in my life within a year.

As you cannot hold your season on in your surroundings, so is you. I could not hold you on.

You came, mingled. It was my first rain, I drank like a wine. In the meantime you tested me. After mingling with me for a while you remember your past memories or the present. A sense of ethical dilemma accompanied by a guilt feeling occupied into your mind. And you left.

It’s not that I didn’t try to move on. I tried to mingle with other girls and mingled more or less. They offered me everything they have. But when I was trying to moving over there for a while I started missing you. A sense of guilt grasped me like a thick cloud. Instead of being happy, a sense of despair engulfed my world. I got a glimpse of idea that the same will happen with me if I marry to someone else without you or without consoling my heart. And you are never going to help me in it. Because if I get console you will be uncomforted.

It was easy to walk alone. But after being with you, dreamt about you, walk with you…now it is difficult to walk alone once again. It is very painful to walk in the same road with someone else.

I am feeling to walk alone, if it is not with you. At least I will have the freedom to do whatever I would like to do…I can feel you whenever I feel to do…no one is going to come in between to give me a sense of guilt feeling.

It’s not that life would have been so easy if you came. We had to fight for caste and all other matters. But with you beside me, I would have boldly face against all the injustices of custom and won their heart with justice. At the end of the day your smile could washed away my every pain and trouble with a sense of love and purity.

Now I can understand your dilemma, your guilt feeling, your indecision. Unfortunately when I could not understood you, I was your best friend. Now when I can understand you, I remain no more a friend of you. I am in fact far from that. You need to force yourself to accept me as your friend. You no more value my words, my feelings…you presume I am only articulating my feelings into words…the pain of inside could never reach to you. One day probably you will close your eyes and decide to move on from Khowai without thinking anything else.. “Jo hoga hoga..”.

 I felt I never let you go free. I was always persistent to be with you. I should have let you go..

“ভাল যদি বাসই তাকে ডানা মেলে উড়তে দাও

অনেক রাতের পরে তোমার কাছে ফিরতে দাও

হতেই পারে ফিরল না আর পথ ভোলা সেই অচিন পাখী

বুঝবে দোষ ছিলনা তোমার

তার ভালবাসাই ছিল ফাঁকি”। 

 Let’s leave everything to time. Whatever have to happen will happen.

After all consolation to myself, sometime for a moment I understand…but after a moment my heart again cry out louder and say “But I love you Ashima.” I don’t know how to react to heart. “First love is first love.” It can create a Tajmahal, it can do the reverse also. A precious life lost its way when somehow his heart is broken.

If I can overcome this situation I will be mature for life time. If I win in this play of life, I will win for lifetime. No other thing does matter to me, as she does. If she stay stand beside me I can win every other thing in life.  

In her absence everything has become dark and cloudy. The existence became in stake. I have to rekindle my life with purity, with ambition, with honesty, with knowledge, with perfection, with service for the world. Like a life is natural gift, making someone alive after death is the toughest…in her absence to rekindle me would be such a tough job. Being an experimenter of life I will definitely discover some way to rekindle my surroundings with an artificial source. Only love is natural, rest everything is artificial. Thus love is life-as the poet says.
'Without love is without life'-what I feel..